On selling your first doll- I finally understand....

I sold the very first doll I ever purchased in the hobby this morning. I have some surprisingly mixed feelings about it. I never saw myself as attached to my dolls; I've never  really given them any kind of emotional value. I'd always kind of knocked and joked about the sentimental sales posts I'd seen on the marketplace, but now I understand why they do it.

I have empathy for those posters now.

My first doll was an Iplehouse JID Tania, legit. I didn't even know about recasts at the time I bought her, not that it matters.

I chose her because she was the closest match I could find to the then-unobtainable Luts Delf Spica and because I couldn't bear to spend money on an SD or a minifee. I've seen Spica a few times since, but I'm not sure she's (yes, she; I had planned on mine being a girl) my grail any longer. I found a good deal on her and a seller willing to do layaway.

I made things and bought things in preparation for her arrival…only to find out how oddly sized she was.

She was classified as a slim mini, and this was before you could buy a lot of stuff for slim minis (minifee were popular, but not as popular as they are now as far as I can recall). Most of what I could find just didn't work. I began to fall out of love with this hard to clothe doll. 

But, part of me still loved her. I brought her places, tried to find clothes and props…and then I realized I didn't like her anymore.

I finally bought a couple minifees and suddenly the JID just wasn't doing it for me.

I began to hate her giant butt, her weird joints, the way her boobs had a space in the middle. She was big without being an SD (the size I really loved but wouldn't buy) and tough.

Every so often I'd try to take pictures with her, repaint her face. She always seemed so sad. Over the years, a lot of dolls have come and gone, especially when they start to seem "sad" to me. When those dolls arrived at their new owners, they didn't seem so sad anymore and suddenly seemed cuter, like the day I first bought them.

When I finally decided my girl was too sad to "fix", I listed her for sale. I honestly thought no one would go for her- she has some damage, and she's old. I thought I'd have a few days to "mourn" her, something I really didn't think I'd even need to do.

I mailed her out this afternoon. I did it quickly and unceremoniously, and I felt overwhelmingly guilty.

I don't really know why. I already miss her, but I know that if I really need a Tania again, Iplehouse is still around and I can get her. I would only get her legitimate again, never recast (there aren't any recast Tanias though, fyi). I feel like I did when I learned my cat died. Really. It's weird.

I'm still not so sure why I feel so sad about a doll I haven't touched in over a year. I'm not so sure why I feel so sentimental about it, as if a pet has died. I'm sad to look at her pictures, sad to take her name off my doll family.

I'm excited to replace her with someone new, maybe reshell her little character into something else, maybe not.

Maybe it's just because she's always been there, as if she was waiting for me.

I'll get over it of course- it's a toy. But for now, I'm going to just wonder at myself and my weird sadness. I hope her new owner loves her and cares for her more than I ever did.